How to Help Seriously Out of Control Teenagers: Strategic Parenting for Real-World Results

Are you fighting a losing battle against a child or teen who engages in serious, high-risk and life interfering behaviors? When you try parenting or improving these behaviors, is your child defiant, disrespectful or even verbally explosive? Is there constant arguing and noncompliance?

Is your child under-performing academically and misbehaving at school? Do you find yourself getting angry, nagging and even yelling to no avail? As a parent, are you feeling more and more hopeless and emotionally drained because of these problem behaviors? If you answered yes any of these questions, this Hub's for you!

In this first installment of my series of Hubs on effectively parenting seriously out-of-control teenagers and kids, I will introduce some little known but very important science-based concepts and strategies.

The goal of these Hubs will be to help parents of out-of-control kids to learn some of the highest leverage behavioral intervention strategies from “best-practices” behavioral parent training interventions.

Subsequent Hubs in this parenting series will outline very specific tools and strategies to help parents begin to implement a targeted parenting intervention. I draw here, on years of research and work as psychotherapist and clinical-behavioral program development consultant. Here are some key need-to-know facts about results driven behavioral parenting:

What is Seriously Out of Control Behavior Anyway?

Occasional misbehavior is a very normal part of learning and development for most children and teens. But when problem behaviors become chronic, persistent and unmanageable, an evidence-based parenting intervention may be indicated in order to prevent long term harm to your child and to your family. This is because chronic oppositional behavior problems can lead to:

• Increased family conflict and emotional distress;
• Peer deviancy training and negative peer socialization effects;
• Early school drop-out and later under employment;
• Increased risk for substance abuse problems;
• Long term health and mental health issues;
• Early Pregnancy;
• Long term relationship problems;
• Increased risk of developing more serious antisocial behavior and involvement with the criminal justice system.

Science-Proven Parenting-Strategies and Principles That Really Work

The good news here is that there are science-proven parenting strategies that can get powerful, rapid and sustainable behavior change results. However, they must be implemented consistently and simultaneously.

The behavioral change principals I’m going to share with you here are based on the state of the art in best-practices treatment interventions for behaviorally acting out children and teens. These programs have been shown to get results with even the most behaviorally and emotionally disordered kids in specialized home-based and residential treatment settings.

The more deeply you learn about how and why these strategies work, the more effectively you will become in your ability to implement them and have your whole family benefit from the results.

These intervention strategies are based on decade’s worth of high quality social-learning research, which demonstrates very clearly that most oppositional behavior problems are learned. That means they can also be unlearned.

Most child and teen behavior problems are shaped and maintained primarily through positive and negative reinforcement in the child’s environment, first with primary caregivers early on and then later through interactions with parents, teachers and peers.

Some behavior problems can be influenced by biological or medical conditions, but the evidence clearly shows that systematic behavioral interventions are most often more effective than or highly complementary to treatment through medications (when these are deemed absolutely necessary).

In most cases behavioral parenting strategies should be implemented prior to or in very serious cases, in conjunction to medical interventions, as the least intrusive and potentially least harmful option.

In extreme cases, observation and data collection (simple charting by parents in most cases) can provide surprisingly powerful insights for helping your family doctor or consulting psychiatrist to more effectively determining the extent to which medications are clearly indicated.

In some cases, with proper medical supervision, medications can be applied as behavior stabilization tools which can then be phased out as your parenting intervention begins to achieve its results. But again the vast majority of even serious child and teen behavior problems will resolve with a behavioral intervention.

Problems with serious negative attention seeking (doing bad things to get positive attention) and externalizing emotional problems (explosive anger and acting out), can very often be effectively managed through targeted behavioral interventions that teach kids how to control their anger and how to more effectively interact with adults and peers.

Kids can be helped to increase their on-task behavior and to control their emotions through systematic teaching and learning of new skills and simple environmental changes. this is true both socially and academically.

Here are some basic behavioral science terms and concepts that I highly advise you learn and remember to better help you understand, develop and implement an evidence-based behavioral parenting intervention:

(Additive) Positive Reinforcement

In behavioral science, the concept of positive reinforcement (PR) is counter-intuitive. When they hear the term PR, most people immediately think of anything that is rewarding or pleasurable. That’s only part of it.

In scientific terms PR is defined as the introduction of a stimulus or event right after the behavior occurs, that increases the likelihood that the behavior will take place again under similar conditions next time.

The emphasis here is not so much on weather an event is discernibly enjoyable or pleasurable, but that delivering the reinforcer reliably increases the likelihood of the behavior next time. It’s an additive process; - you’re adding something to increase a desired behavior that measurably increases that behavior reoccurring.

PR is more about what can be observed from the outside rather than what someone experiences internally, when they're being reinforced. Very often, most people are unaware of what is positively reinforcing and maintaining their own behavior and they come up with alternative explanations for why they behave the way they do. This blocks them from making often simple but strategic changes in their lives that will lead to major transformations in their undesired behavior.

It's not that there's no free choice. It's quite the opposite. The best available spiritual wisdom teaches the importance of choosing our environments and their make up very carefully as an intention means of expanding our freedom of will.

Peer Deviancy Training - A Very Serious Problem

A powerful example of a dangerous and harmful form of PR is the kind that behavioral scientists observe in what has come to be called “peer deviancy training” or the “negative peer socialization effect.”

During negative peer socialization, problem behaviors are learned and positively reinforced through selective laughter and positive social attention from anti-social peers. For instance, a child acting-out in class is more likely to repeat this problem behavior when fellow students laugh and pay attention to their misbehavior. Kids actually shape and reinforce each others' behaviors most of the time they’re together.

Kids are more likely to engage in antisocial talk when peers provide increased numbers of positive comments and more frequent positive attention through even the subtlest cues like laughter, eye-contact or a brief facial expression. Negative peers also model or display problem behaviors, which they then socially reinforce.

Positive peers, on the other hand model and reinforce positive behaviors. One famous recent study predicted increased involvement in the criminal justice system (formally processed for criminal behavior) in a large sample of otherwise normal kids who associated with a negative peer group during just 2 weeks at a regular summer camp!

Most negative peer socialization takes place under the radar. It’s “stealthy” and happens when adults aren’t watching or supervising. The evidence shows that 1unit of social reinforcement (positive attention, laughing etc.) is 900% more effective than one unit of pro-social adult reinforcement for shaping and maintaining behavior. That’s a ration of 9 to 1. So you can see how important it is to systematically intervene in these peer mediated negative learning processes! I've studied how to do this extensively and will share my proven strategies if readers express an interest.

Effective parenting strategies harness the tremendous power of positive reinforcement by both minimizing sources of negative peer socialization and by simultaneously teaching, shaping and reinforcing positive pro-social behaviors like following a parent's instructions, calming themselves when frustrated and actively problem-solving when issues arise, rather than resorting to out-of-control behaviors. It's about learning to do something good or positive to get what you want instead of doing something negative, harmful or out-of-control.

(Subtractive) Negative Reinforcement:

Another incredibly important concept in the behavioral science of effectively parenting out of control kids is negative reinforcement (NR). Negative reinforcement is a “subtractive-process”,- you’re taking something away to increase a behavior. The scratching of an itch is negatively reinforced because the itch is taken away by the scratching. The likelihood of scratching when itchy is increased because it reliably takes away or subtracts most itches!

Here comes one of the most critical pieces of behavioral science knowledge that you as a parent with an out-of-control child, needs to fully hear and understand. Subtractive social reinforcement is one of the most powerful shapers and maintainers of your teenager's disrespectful non-compliance, arguing and yelling.

For many kids the “coercive-control process” starts during the terrible twos, and can lie dormant only to show up again years later in out of control behavior. In fact, early tantrums are the source and prototype for later “out of control” behavior in children and teens.

When the toddler wants something he or she shouldn’t have or wants to do something he or she shouldn’t do, a strong parent will say “no.” When the child here’s no, he or she will cry or tantrum if their desire for the item or activity is high.

If the parent again intervenes and says no, the child then intensifies their tantrum behaviors. The tantrum becomes so irritating to the parent that the parent gives in and withdraws their attempt to control the child’s behavior. Does this sound familiar? Can you remember specific examples of terrible two behaviors that are very similar to your child’s current acting-out and non-compliance behaviors?

Like the 9 to 1 ration with the adult vs. peer social-reinforcement, the intermittent, subtractive-reinforcement of out-of-control or tantrum behaviors (giving in to tantrums once in a while) is a surefire way of shaping and maintaining those behaviors that your child will use to get you to opt-out of your parenting role, whenever it’s most convenient for them. That's why it's so important to for parents to stand their ground 100% of the time until positive behaviors are established and maintained for a few weeks.

Through consistent follow-through with clearly defined parental expectations, along with 1) positive reinforcement of positive behavioral choices; and, 2) negative or neutral consequences for negative behavioral choices, you will be able to help your child or teenager effectively get rid of their out-of-control behavioral choices, once and for all.

That’s why you hear parenting experts repeatedly talking about consistency of structure and consequences. The science is clear on this. If you have a great parenting intervention for out-of-control behavior, and you give in just once or twice, the whole thing will often backfire.

Bad behaviors get worse this way rather than better. Setting and maintaining limits is another way of stating the difference between being a friend and an effective parent. It’s your role to protect your child now and in the long term by helping them to unlearn these life-interfering patterns and replace them with life enhancing behavioral choices instead.

Positive Reinforcement of Incompatible Alternatives (PRIA)

Wow, we’re really getting “behavior-analytic” here. But that’s a good thing as far as behavioral parenting goes, for serious behavior problems. The next most important behavior intervention concept I’d like you to really get to know is the “positive reinforcement of incompatible replacement behavior” or the “PRIAB” principle.

In the PRIAB principal your parenting goal is to:

• Define a positive or pro-social alternative behavior to the out of control behavior (i.e. compliance with your direction to do something, a self-calming or active problem-solving strategy);
• Teach your child or teen the new behavior to proficiency when things are positive and calm (never during a period of conflict), including the expectancy that they do the new behavior when cued. Replacement behaviors should be taught and practiced in a way that is fun and rewarding for both the parent and the child (I can provide specific teaching and learning strategies upon request);
• Cue your child to do the new positive behavior in those situations when he or she would usually act-out;
• Immediately (with in 1 second) reinforce (reward and praise) your child for his or her follow through on the new positive behavioral choice.
• For a structured parenting intervention that targets serious improvements at home and at school, use a "point and level system" to fully harness the reinforcement value of daily privileges like watching TV, playing video games and going out with pro-social peers.

Well, that’s my first Hub on evidence-based parenting for seriously out-of-control teenagers and children. Upon request I’ll expand on more specific strategies and provide real-world examples of out-of-control behavior and how it can be very effectively changed for the better and for the long term in a surprisingly short period of time.

I can provide links to specific behavior observation and intervention tools that you can use to get these behaviors under control once and for all. I can also provide general examples of very serious cases I've worked on successfully in my behavioral consulting, residential treatment development and therapy work. Please share any questions you have that may help both you and other readers benefit from my knowledge, skills and experience.

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