Stop Talking Stupid and Save Your Marriage

Half of all marriages end in divorce. Approximately 53% of all married partners have sexual affairs. Greater numbers of partners have emotional affairs, usually with someone at work and increasingly online.

Why are relationships breaking down and falling apart at such an alarming rate? It’s because far too many couples are engaging regularly in what I like to call marriage-busting stupid-talk.

In order to save your marriage you need to stop the stupid-talk and learn how to talk-smart instead. What is stupid talk you may be asking? And, is there solid science behind this idea or is this Hub just stupid-talk?

Well, leading relationship scientists can now predict divorce with almost 100% accuracy based on short observations of the way couples communicate around hot-button issues.

Negative emotional arousal associated with fear and anger, is measured through skin-conductance, heart rate and blood pressure readings while the partners talk about their problems.

The same research shows that the top 3 hot-button issues these days, in couples’ communication are sex, money and conflict related to the in-laws.

In marriages that fail, partners often get very angry and frustrated with each other as they try to work out their problems together. Interestingly, the source of their anger in most cases, is a profound underling emotional injury or sense of hurt related to how they see their partner or how their partner has acted towards

them. This profound sense of hurt can often be laced with a strong dose of anxiety or a deep fear that we may lose the very person we love the most.

When our partner fails to meet our core relationship needs, we start to lose the sense that we come first in their lives, and that they will continue to protect and love us, much like our parents did when we were children.

When we feel the emotional distance from arguing and fighting, it can be like the sense of abandonment a child feels when he or she loses their parent in a busy shopping center. What’s more, most of us don’t know how to effectively express these core-emotional needs and feelings to our partners in a way that will get them met and thus resolved.

The naturally tendency when we feel sad and afraid is to get angry and to intensify our efforts to regain the healthy sense of connection, safety and security that we can only get from our partner. As Dr. Phil would say (if I sold him this catch phrase I’ve just come up with) “First you get sad, and then you get mad.”

Another interesting finding from the relationship scientists is that the more angry and/or anxious we get, the less able we are to effectively communicate or problem-solve.

Our measurable human intelligence (IQ) literally drops proportionate to our often quickly elevating levels of fear and reactive anger. In fact, you can literally say that the angrier we get the dumber we get.

As Dr. Phil might add here, “First you get sad, then you get mad and then you get stupid!” and “The madder you get the stupider you get!” I would never say such a thing to the couples I work with in my private practice of course, because I don’t have a giant adoring studio audience in my office, to reinforce what I say with loud applause and cheering.

It follows then, that we have to stop "talking stupid" to save or really transform our marriage. If fact, we have to talk "smart" instead of stupid.

In order to talk smart, we have to reduce our emotional arousal level or stop talking. Better yet, we need to develop the ability to control our emotions before we get angry and start talking.

Not only is healthy emotional self- control marriage saving, but it can also help us experience less conflict at and enjoy our work more, particularly with a command and control style boss or during intensive team-work where task-interdependent work is required.

Emotional self-control is also one of the most important parenting skills available to us as human beings. People with emotional self-control also live longer healthier lives, as do married vs divorced or single people; - I wonder if there’s a relationship here? lol

In another hub, I will show you how to reduce your emotional arousal (anger and/or anxiety) in as little as 5-10 seconds with only 10 – 20 minutes of practice every day for a month.

The idea is to recognize when you’re getting angry or anxious and the calm yourself before talking with your loved one.

It’s kind of like anger management for married couples (that’s what I’ll call that next Hub). Isn’t it worth it to learn how to relax before you problem solve and communicate what you need more clearly, not just for you but for your family as well?

Once you know how to quickly self-induce the relaxation response in times of stress, you’re ready to communicate with your partner and to resolve your hot button issues.

You can then begin the emotionally corrective experience of locating, repairing and expanding the deep emotional bond, who’s shrinking and fracture have released so much conflict and anger in the first place.

Once you know how to get and stay calm, here are some evidence based communication strategies that you can use to start expressing, listening-for and meeting your partners needs in the relationship:

I Will Save My Marriage! - Pro-Marriage Transformation Tools for fast results.

In addition to reading my marriage saving articles, I strongly recommend that you and your partner both read and work with the best relationship book of this century. It'll save you from accidentally buying and reading speculative pop-culture publications that have no grounding in clinical research or practice.

Not only are so many popular relationship books practically useless, in many cases they may actually harm your relationship. Read this one together instead:

The Most Important Relationship Book You will Ever Read

I'm an Award Winning member of the Mental Health Expert-Team  at justanswer.com With 100% positive customer feedback.